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Every time I have a panic attack,
it feels like I’m a bag of marbles that someone stole
and dropped while running off.
For me to function, the marbles need to be brought together,
but that’s not an easy task.
This is me having a panic attack.
My heart races. I can’t breathe. I think I’m gonna die.
Like something is broken inside of me and I have to fix it, but I can't.
My first panic attack happened at the Congonhas Airport.
I was traveling solo, my deodorant had expired.
And then I realized we are all going to die.
That couple in front of me was going to die.
My mom was going to die, I was going to die.
Actually, my first panic attack was at a friend’s party.
Playing hide-an-seek, I hid so well that no one found me.
And I realized that my friend, her parents and all of our friends
could celebrate life without me.
Actually, my first panic attack was at a house party.
I spent all evening trying to work out how to get home.
Actually, it was at my 30th birthday party.
I was going to meet my friends at this trendy bar.
I look at all those people and said: "no".
I was the only one absent from my own birthday party.
Actually, my first panic attack happened when I was 17,
when I tried to have sex for the first time.
Dani?
Actually, it was when I was 18,
and was trying to have sex for the first time again.
Dani!
Actually, it was when I was 20,
when I finally had sex for the first time,
in a hospital with a doctor boyfriend I had.
If anything happened, I was already at the hospital.
I’m scared of the sink, the tiles, the steps, the sidewalks,
the creatures that get up in the morning and carry on with their lives.
I feel sorry for my peeled off nail polish, my old socks...
I want to cry because I’m an only daughter
and I shouldn’t have left my parents’ home.
What if they need me? What will they do?
What will I do?
I want to be able to leave the house,
to work,
to travel,
to get married,
to have kids.
I want to not to have to lie.
-But you don’t need a passport. -She forgot her passport and ID.
-That's so you. You're a piece of work. -I know.
I can’t believe you’re going to do this to me, Dani!
I don't know what to do. I had them out, but I forgot.
We could get a courier. Ask your mom to bring them.
I didn't want to say anything, but
my mom’s in the hospital
with labyrinthitis.
I'm sorry, Mari.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, I want to be an adult, to function like one,
and to have a normal life.
But I love too much. I feel too much.
I suffer too much.
I grew up in Tatuapé, a neighborhood on the east side of São Paulo.
My parents got divorced when I was a kid.
I stayed with my mom.
We kept Tula and my dad kept Babinha.
My granddad cleaned everything with vinegar, so I wouldn’t get sick.
A child well taken care of doesn’t get sick.
Sometimes he would have “the thing” and wanted to be left alone.
It’s just “the thing”. It’s nothing. He’ll be fine soon.
My grandma said no to being a bridesmaid at my uncle’s wedding
because she thought she would want to pee halfway through the ceremony.
-My mom has separation anxiety. -Baby! Come back!
-You don’t have to go to school today. -Oh, mom!
Okay. Go, go, go.
Go on, baby. Have fun at school.
Give me a kiss. Mommy loves you.
Me?
I was a normal child.
-What is it, baby? What? -What happened?
I found a cockroach’s leg on my chips!
That’s not a cockroach, it’s just a chip!
It's not! It’s a cockroach!
Dani... Come back here...
It’s silliness.
Leave the girl alone. Sometimes the chips burn
and it looks like a cockroach’s leg.
-It’s a cockroach! -It isn't! It's just rice!
I don't know what to do, mom.
The other day she said she swallowed the dog.
She's got a problem. We need to fix her.
Leave the girl alone. She's fine.
Look at that little scientist. She's perfectly normal.
It’s a cockroach!
My mom could've taken me to a doctor, a psychologist,
but obviously, she had a better idea.
Turn around.
Let's see your arm.
If the left arm is longer, there’s a knot on her gut.
I don’t know what it is.
Mrs. Zulmira will know.
What's going on, mom?
What are you doing to me, mom?
What the fucking fuck is this fucked up thing you’re doing to me?
You know I’m just afraid of the dark, right?
It’s normal for a child. There’s nothing wrong with me.
-Mom! Mom! -I’ll be traumatized!
Mom!
-Mom! -Mom!
It’s sadness.
She’s very, very, sad.
It wasn’t sadness. I was just afraid of finding a cockroach in my food.
Sadness I felt when I went to Praia Preta.
I had graduated and was working at a big ad agency in the city
I was renting an apartment, across the street from my mom's,
-who took it very well. -Just because you've abandoned me
-I'm not going to let you starve. -Mom, it's okay.
And I was dating Kadu.
Listen, baby,
the guys want to go to Praia Preta for New Year's Eve.
-Shall we? -Really?
Going to Praia Preta on New Year’s Eve would be tough.
First, Praia Preta was 3 hours away from home,
which could become 9 hours on New Year’s Eve,
or 12, or…
Who came up with this stupid idea?
Also, my mom would spend NYE alone with our dog,
and my dad would spend it alone with his dog.
And I’d be in a party feeling out of place,
and thinking of ways to get home.
I needed a plan B, C, D, E...
I need a taxi on call in case I want to go home.
I’m off, lady. It’s New Year’s Eve.
I understand, but my mom is in the hospital, being checked.
If it’s serious, I might have to rush back.
It could be in the middle of the night, or around lunchtime.
It could be as soon as I get there.
Like, I arrive in the morning and leave in the afternoon.
It could be on the 1st, or even the 30th.
The minute before the new year, I don't know.
If you can't do it, get me someone who can.
-I’ll pay 500 reais. -500? I’ve got you.
Please do not leave me hanging, Mr. Jerônimo.
I won’t, miss. Don’t worry.
I understand. I have a sick father. I’ll send you a text now,
-so we can keep in touch. -Thank you, Mr. Jerônimo.
Okay. Speak later.
I could go.
But why did I want to?
-Take this, Dani. -No.
Take it. What if you don’t like the food?
-Do you have sunscreen? A jacket? -Don’t make me more anxious.
-What about your yellow fever shot? -It's all done, mom.
What about bug repellent? There's dengue. Zika
If you’re pregnant, it could be dangerous.
Mom! I'm not pregnant!
-I love you so much, so much. -Me too.
-I love you too, mom. -You shouldn’t go.
-Stop it! -It's going to rain.
It's not, it's super sunny.
It's dangerous to drive this time of year.
Or any time really, this is Brazil.
-I want grandchildren! -Stop it, mom...
But not just yet.
Don’t worry, Ms. Sílvia, she’s in good hands.
Have fun. I want you to be happy.
Don’t you dare think about how you abandoned me here by myself.
Have a great time. I love you, baby. Give me kisses.
-So much motherly love. -Love you!
I hate to admit it, but my mom was right.
I'm terrified of getting dengue, I hate what other people cook,
if the car's moving, I'm scared of getting into an accident,
if there's traffic, I get claustrophobic.
And, obviously, it started to rain.
90 km, pass the highway. Tunnel. Nove de Julho Avenue.
What's that?
Nothing.
-I’m just worried. -No. No, no.
Don’t be, baby. I'm sure they’ll love you.
Why are you worried?
That my mom will die. That my dad will die.
Sorry, I didn’t know they were sick. Your mom seemed fine…
They’re not. They’re fine, but…
They’re gonna die some day, won't they?
I’m gonna die. You’re gonna die.
You will die one day.
Everyone we love’s gonna die.
What if I have to go back?
What will we do? We're stuck here.
There’s traffic. There’s always traffic.
There are too many cars. There are too many people.
I want to go home.
Damn, I want to go home. Can you take me home?
Take me home now. I want to go home! I want to go!
-I want to go now! -Calm down, calm down.
Take me home! Take me home now!
I need to go home! I have to go home now!
I have to go home! Home!
There are so many cars.
There are so many people.
Yeah...
Do you want to go home?
Will you take me home?
If you want to, baby, of course.
No. Let’s go to the beach.
It worked, didn’t it? I managed to do a backside aerial.
So sick.
I was going to love them, and they would love me.
It was obvious. We had so much in common.
-You work with Kadu, right? -Yeah, I do.
What I really want is to publish a book.
I sent an article to Trip Magazine and I'm waiting for a reply.
That's cool.
Go on, Kadu, tell them.
-It's nothing... -Go on, Kadu. Say it.
Leave it, leave it...
So, what time of day do you feel the most anxious?
-Excuse me? -For me, it’s the morning.
When I'm in bed... I mean, any time really,
but some days, I’m just like: ’Ten more minutes’,
but then it’s already 10:30 am and you haven't done anything.
I'm in advertising, but I want to be a writer.
-And what do you do? -I work with Kadu.
That's right, you told me.
Kadu, your girlfriend is such a character.
She is, isn’t she? I knew you would like her.
I told you you would like this cutie pie.
-Tell me you're loving it here. -I am. So cool.
-This is great. -But listen,
I want to talk about Jamaiquinha.
-Jamaiquinha! -Not this again...
All I wanted was to care about Jamaiquinha,
or if the wind was coming from the east or west
but all I could think about was the traffic on the way back,
if I would ever be able to get on a plane without sweaty palms,
to eat a hot dog on the street, to be promoted,
have a normal conversation, grow old with someone who loves me,
if my parents were dying at that exact moment.
Everything went well. My dad, my mom, no one died.
And I ‘enjoyed’ the rest of the party.
Have you seen Dani? There’s one minute left.
-Your girlfriend is such a character. -Let's go to the beach.
She might be there. Come on.
Dani! Where are you, Dani?
-Let's go, Kadu! -Come on, guys!
Dani!
I can’t take this anymore, mom.
I don't want it.
You have vasovagal syncope and it causes you to faint.
-I don’t faint, Dr. Guido. -I see.
I'll show you.
The oxygen doesn’t properly reach your brain.
You feel dizzy, your pressure drops
and your body faints so it can go back to normal.
I don’t faint, Dr. Guido.
Take two pills a day and come back in a month.
You will thank me, I can assure you.
The beta-blocker keeps your heart from racing.
So you can run without feeling a thing.
Work without feeling a thing.
Have sex without feeling a thing.
Hi, Dani. This is João Mitre from Trip Magazine.
Have you ever considered writing a monthly column?
Even get the most amazing news that you were waiting for
without feeling a thing?
I understand your frustration, but that’s normal.
No, it isn't normal.
I wish people would stop saying that this is normal.
Normal is feeling alive.
You have dysautonomia.
Your sympathetic nervous system, which accelerates your heart rate,
and your parasympathetic system, which slows it down,
are not working together.
That’s why you feel dizzy and pass out.
Let’s do a tilt table test.
But I don’t pass out, Dr. Fucking Guido!
I clean the house if I eat too many sweets,
but doing that makes me feel worse, so I eat more sweets.
I water the plants eight times before I travel,
because, if I die, no one will.
But I end up missing my flight because I take too long doing it.
Do you understand that I don’t pass out, Dr. Fucking Guido!
That's fine.
Thank you.
I never took that thing again.
I went to all sorts of doctors.
Tell me about your problem.
I felt sick in the supermarket the other day.
I was looking for melons,
and then I realized I don’t even like melon.
Such a harmless and refreshing fruit.
That made me upset.
I got really sad, so I started looking at the people around me.
I’m never gonna get married,
never gonna have kids, never gonna grow old with someone.
And I want someone.
I want someone, but I can’t even leave the house.
You have to stop your thoughts. They are intrusive.
They’re not truthful.
The mind doesn’t mind.
Yes, that's what she said: the mind doesn’t mind.
For years, I tried all sorts of recommendations.
I know a great psychoanalyst, Dr. Zedro.
I've already seen him. I tried everything:
Freud, Neo-Freud, Jung, Neo-Jung, Lacan, CBT, Transpersonal…
I went to one where everything I said I was feeling, he was feeling too.
‘I felt like dying’, ‘me too’.
’I was waiting for a call’, ‘I’ve been there’.
-‘I’m PMSing’, ‘me too’. -Have you been to the Itaim monk?
There's a monk in Itaim?
The only mystical thing in Itaim was that monk,
who had a posh car and was dating two of his followers,
a 19-year-old and a 22-year-old.
And those people...
They didn’t come looking for some inner peace,
they just wanted a place to nap to have a nap.
Someone recommended Family Constellation Therapy.
It was wonderful.
A bunch of cushions represented your whole family
Talk to your family.
Tell them: ‘I am me. You are you’.
‘I am me. You are you.’
‘I don’t want to have to carry your baggage
full of frustration and paranoia.’
‘I don’t want to carry your baggage full of frustration and paranoia.’
Tell me how you feel about this cushion.
It reminds me of my great-aunt, Cidinha.
She had hepatitis and her skin tone never went back to normal.
Listen, girl, this won’t work if you’re being cynical.
-I’m not being cynical. -Is your life good?
-Is it working? -No, but…
-It’s shit, right? Do you take drugs? -No...
-And therapy? Lacan, Jung… -Yeah...
Did you take it seriously?
-I did. -Did it work?
-No. -You came all the way here,
so have some respect.
Okay. I'm sorry. I will.
Forget it. You don’t want to feel better.
You’re scared of change and that includes healing.
You’re too comfortable in your own misery.
What are you talking about?
Let's all open our solar plexus...
Comfortable my ass.
Would I be dancing with the trees if I didn’t want to get better?
Without saying a word, let’s all visualize “the thing”.
Are you visualizing it?
Now, let’s all give “the thing” a hug.
Hug away. Don’t be afraid.
Now, turn to your buddy.
Now hug your buddy like you mean it.
-That's it. So beautiful. -Hey.
So deep and honest.
That's it, with the whole body.
You're on the same vibration, that's it.
Now, hug your buddy's thing. That's it.
Now let’s dance to our buddy’s thing.
Go on, dance. At your own pace, that's it.
Attention now, guys.
I would like you to choose a single animal
because I want you to turn into that animal.
Sync your vibrations with the earth and the wildness.
Lie down, jump, turn into a monkey.
A lion! A dog!
I want to see animals! That's it!
Hi.
-I'm sorry! -Shit.
-Open the window. -I can't.
-Open the window. -I can't do it.
-Hi. -Hi. Sorry, I can’t give you a ride.
No, I’m driving. It’s just that you looked scared.
-Well... -I get it.
All that shouting and shaking to get rid of it was a bit…
A bit?
Look, I know you’re gonna think I’m nuts because we met here…
Actually, we haven’t met yet. I’m Gilberto. Nice to meet you.
-Dani. -So, Dani, you’re gonna think I'm nuts
because we met here, but don’t forget you’re also here.
-And why are you telling me this? -I want to ask you out.
And I want you to say ‘yes’.
And do you think I want to go out with someone as crazy as me?
No, I’m not as crazy as you.
You're here to dance, I'm a psychotherapist.
-Sure. -Yeah.
Some of my patients came to this and I wanted to understand it better.
So instead of paying attention to the class,
you were checking out the students.
-Wow, that's bad. -Not all the students,
just you.
And what do you do?
-I work with advertising. -You're a dentist.
No.
But I like to write.
I do write. I have a column in Trip Magazine.
-No way. -It's true.
Really?
-What’s it about? -Myself.
I write about myself, it’s therapeutic.
And how can I read one of those columns?
I might have a copy at home.
Gilberto?
-What's wrong, Gilberto? -My dad.
My dad’s gonna die.
-My god, what happened? -No, nothing happened.
-Is he sick? -No, he’s fine, but
he's going to die some day.
And we can't know when, can we? No one can.
I don’t know, I feel vulnerable…
Just because I'm a man, a psychotherapist,
it doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings.
You're beautiful.
-My dad... -I know, I know.
Having sex with a nice guy is good.
But having sex with a crazy guy is why sex was invented.
The rest is lovey-dovey-baby-making.
Good morning.
I hope you don’t mind
but I woke up early and went to the bakery
to get some...
fresh bread and made some coffee.
Wow, fresh bread and everything...
This coffee is nice.
I mean it.
-I loved your column! -You scared me.
-So you read it? -Holy shit!
-What's a tilt table test? -It's like a medieval torture device.
They strap you to a table, turn you upside down,
and give you some sort of legalized MDMA.
-It's awful. -You, strapped to a table?
-It's giving me some ideas. -Really?
What ideas?
Dani, I have to tell you something that’s unfair for you not to know.
-Shit. Are you married? You are. -No, that’s not it.
STD?
-Are you sick? -No, I'm not.
-Because that's not right. -That's not it.
-It's something else. -That's fucked up.
I know, but I'm not sick.
I might have given you the wrong impression at the dance thing.
I’m just as crazy as anyone there.
Perhaps even more so.
I have a million problems, a million habits.
I don’t want to hurt you.
It's fine, relax.
It's okay.
-It's okay, we went out once. -But it won't be the last time.
No.
Dani, listen to me,
I’m not gonna solve your problems and you’re not gonna solve mine.
It’s good that you know that and that I hear myself say it.
You’re so weird.
I know.
I have to go.
You’re very talented.
Thank you.
And I loved getting to know you better.
Me too.
You're not going to throw up.
Don't throw up.
I haven't thrown up since I was 16.
Grandma made some cabbage rolls.
I thought they were tasty, and light.
And, on a Sunday afternoon watching TV on the couch,
I ate about twenty of them. Twenty.
-What's wrong, darling? -Mom...
-I’m going to die! -You ate too much, baby.
It’s fine. You just ate too much.
Always too much.
I made a deal with my body then. I would never throw up again.
Because my body feels sick when I’m too anxious,
when I’m too sad, when I’m too happy.
If I were to puke every time I want to…
I would do it at every meeting,
every first date, every trip,
every most important day of my life.
From that day on, I would never have the “too much”,
no exaggeration no shameless pleasure, no acting without thinking.
The next day, I broke up with my boyfriend
because I liked him too much. Always too much.
-Everything's different now, Jonas. -What about Cleber?
Cleber was his penis. He called his penis ‘Cleber’.
It’s not you, nor Cleber. I’ll never date again.
Of course I dated, but I only puked again
many years after that breakfast with Gilberto.
I controlled it that morning.
And many others after that.
Tell me.
-What? -About it.
It was so good,
but it couldn’t be ‘too much’.
MY BOYFRIEND CRIES -Does he know you write about him?
He does. He thinks it’s therapeutic.
-You like him and you're happy. -I'm happy, mom.
I'm so happy.
-What? -Oh, baby...
-What is it? -You being happy makes me worried.
-Oh! Come on... -It's true.
You’ll get heartbroken and I'll never have grandkids.
So much drama. You're going far.
-You’re gonna want kids someday. -Fine, mom.
Even if one day they leave you because they hate you.
I can't believe you're saying this.
I love you so much! I don’t want to see you suffer.
Fine. Gilberto loves me as well.
He won’t make me suffer because he loves me.
He’s a little crazy, but he's just like me.
Oh, he’s just like you? Then run.
If he’s just like you, run.
-No, baby... -That’s not funny.
-I'm just saying this... -Bye, bye.
Who's going to tell you the truth?
Because I love you. Your mom will tell you the truth
Who’s the weirdest guy you’ve ever dated?
Apart from you?
-OK. I asked for that. -You did.
Yeah, apart from me.
There was this one guy Who didn't like my purses.
He used to say I wasn’t feminine because I didn’t wear heels,
so he broke up with me because I was too manly.
Me, too manly.
-That’s not cool. -So not cool.
Besides, we had nothing in common.
He ended up getting married to a farmer’s daughter
who came to the city to study Soap Design.
Who comes to São Paulo to study Soap Design?
Breaking up is so hard.
-I never know how to do it. -You don't?
Mr. Psychotherapist doesn’t know how to communicate?
It’s different.
At the clinic, you’re not talking to people, just patients.
And you’re not making decisions, just helping them find themselves.
I mean it, Dani.
It’s one thing to ask how your parents’ divorce made you feel,
and it's a completely different one
to find a way to tell you that I need some time
to see if I miss you.
I mean it, Dani.
I need some time.
Are you breaking up with me in bed?
I’m not breaking up with you.
I need to know if I like you,
so I need to know if I miss you.
What do you mean?
-How much time? -I don't know, Dani.
I bring you all here to create a new campaign,
and this is what you come up with?
Where's the simplicity in it?
That's a copywriter trying to be a writer.
This is shit, Dani! It's shit!
I'll show you how it's done.
-No, but... -Like this.
-Look. -Marlon...
I'll just get my pen. Gone!
Look at this magic trick!
AmarantoTAL Bank. See?
I WON’T BE ABLE TO MISS YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP MESSAGING ME
It's synthesis. Wake up! I'm so disappointed in you.
You’re a waste of space, girl.
He asked for some time?
What a joke!
You're crazy!
I’m gonna miss you?
Who would miss you? No one! Ever!
You’re out.
Do you think anyone reads this crap that you write?
Who told you to be born? Who asked you to exist?
Dani?
Is that you?
-Dani? Dani! -Mom...
-Mom! -Dani? Dani!
-Baby, what is it? What is it? -Take it.
Are you feeling sick? What happened?
-Do you want to go to the hospital? -No, no.
Let’s go to the hospital!
Easy. Do you want to go? Mommy will help you.
Go lie down.
Breathe, darling.
Breathe, honey.
Breathe, baby.
I told you when you started liking that boy.
I get worried. It’s him, isn’t it? He’s back.
What was it? Then what was it?
Was it work? Was the presentation bad?
It's fine, baby. Is that what it was?
I just want to sleep.
And to not give a shit about humanity.
I understand, baby. Mommy will look after you.
Mommy will fix all of your problems.
And now, the main event!
In the blister pack, behind the tinfoil, with 0.25mg...
And I’ve been all over the world looking for something...
The first time you take Klonopin is unique, perfect,
a mix of all that’s wonderful in the world.
So this is what it feels like to be human.
It’s as if you were running under the sun for 30 years
and you finally found some shade and freshwater
and the prize is the screw your head’s been missing.
It's like having small doses of dignity.
You take a pill version of your “adult self”
wait for it to take over your body, to speak for you,
act as you, travel for you, make money, break up,
sleep, do everything for you.
There’s only one problem.
It wears off.
Hi, Dani. It’s Magda Soares.
Your column is hilarious.
I wanted us to work together on my next soap opera.
I mentioned your name and everyone loved it.
We all love how you write. We think you'll be perfect.
The story is very you and we need young new writers like yourself,
with your unique view on life,
your humor...
You're so funny.
So, do you accept coming to stay in Rio de Janeiro for a while?
Rio.
How am I supposed to work in Rio?
Away from my bed, my house, my street, my neighborhood,
my mom, my dad, my dogs, the local drugstore.
And I’ll have to get on a plane. There and back.
People sneezing, coughing, that smell...
My God.
Are you sure you want to do this?
I don't think you'll make it.
-For God's sake, mom. -No. It will be great. Definitely.
But you do know you can always give up, right?
-I don’t want to give up, mom. -That’s great, baby.
-I believe in you. -I know you do, mom.
I believe in your success.
And don’t worry about abandoning me
-Okay, mom. Go. -I will always be here for you.
-You can come back running. -Okay, I know.
-While I’m not dead, okay? -Okay, mom.
-Go home, mom. I have to go. -I love you so much.
I love you too. I have to go.
I'll get the door for you.
I'm sorry, mister.
I'm going to the airport.
All passengers and cabin crew, please remain seated
with your seat belts fastened. We're approaching sudden turbulence.
You do know that this meeting is a test, right?
They invited you to do the soap, they can un-invite you.
I know.
Honestly, you can't get there conked out on Klonopin, not making sense.
-I know. -If you take too many, you get...
-I said I’ll stop. -And don’t get sick.
And no... on other people.
I’m not going to be sick. Leave me alone, mom.
Sorry.
It’s Dani.
All I was thinking is that I was a capable grown-up
and that I worked really hard to be there,
but this is the worst kind of situation for me,
when I'm not comfortable.
For example, I would never burp on purpose in someone's house,
but knowing that I can't makes me really want to do it.
Hello!
-Hi, darling! -Hi.
Dani, so nice to meet you.
Welcome!
Guys, this is the ‘new blood’ I was telling you about.
-How do you do? -Nice to meet you.
-How are you? -Nice to meet you.
-It's 'Dani', right? -That's it.
I was telling them that this could only be a soap author’s home.
It's simply stunning.
Anyone else would have joined in the brown-nosing,
but I couldn't stop looking at that guy's nose.
Nose.
Nose. Such a weird word.
And the plural is 'noses'.
Noses.
Noses. Noses. Who came up with that shit?
Anyway... She's from São Paulo, Magda.
She can help writing about the characters from there.
No. I don’t relate to any of those characters.
We have to write about our life experiences, right, Magda?
For example, I dated two guys, at different times,
who had three nipples.
Two guys with three nipples.
Six nipples, or an extra man nipple.
Maybe we can add that to a character.
There are some characters that I like, I can relate to,
but others just aren’t interesting. No offense.
Magda, she’s such a character.
-So creative! -I'm always a character.
I always sacrifice myself for the sake of people's laughs.
We’re going to love having you around.
-Will they actually kiss? -Yes, of course.
That's so gross.
A kiss is kind of like a lick. You’re licking someone’s tongue.
-What planet is she from? -I find it disgusting.
From that point on, it was soap opera after soap opera.
Years of getting on airplanes, turbulence every week.
Helena needs to do the horny peacock dance,
like, ‘I want you to seduce me, but I’ll pretend I don’t.’
I needed a lot of Klonopin to get through it all.
No, guys, that actor... Like huge, he was super famous.
He's super hairy. What's his name?
Taking too much Klonopin has its problems.
That awful thing full of people.
It flies.
It stinks, guys.
-Where they give you snacks. -Airplane?
A plane, that's it. She should get on one.
No way, Dani, that's bad for us.
Yeah, too much Klonopin has too many problems.
-Dani, I love you, but it’s tough. -I know.
How can you forget to write an episode? We need to start filming!
I can’t do it anymore, mom. I’m going to get fired.
-That’s nonsense, baby. -It’s not.
Either I don't take the pill and everything is horrible,
or I do and turn into a zombie.
There's no other way. I have to quit.
Baby girl, don’t be like that.
Klonopin isn’t the only thing in the world.
I can't take it anymore. I need help.
My head is like a kettle
that starts heating up until it...
Understand?
Daniela,
I’ll give you this other one.
It will help with the anxiety, but you have to be patient.
It takes a few days to work.
Effexor didn't change anything in the first few days.
Let's start with the main character, Irene.
-Until it did. -I want to make it clear that...
Effexor made the world beautiful.
If Klonopin was peace, Effexor was happiness.
So good.
It's delicious. This is so good!
It's so delicious. It gave me goosebumps.
Sorry, guys. Carry on.
May I? Thank you very much.
-Come here, Dani. -This is so good.
Did you take MDMA?
-It's not molly, it's Effexor. -Effexor.
-I don’t take illegal drugs. -If you say so.
-Do you want to go dancing? -Yes.
Effexor was so good.
So, so, so good.
It was so, so good.
There was only one problem.
-I can’t hold it anymore. -Just a bit more. I'm almost there...
Wait, wait.
-I couldn’t hold it, Dani. Sorry. -But it was good. It was so good.
-But you didn’t... -No, but it’s not always that we can.
-But I’m good at it. -I know you are.
-You are, you're so good. -Honestly...
Let it go. Are you upset?
I should be the one upset because I didn’t finish.
-So you are upset. -I’m not upset.
I told you I’m not. I'm not.
Stop it.
I’m getting upset now though. All this pressure is ridiculous.
Something needed to change. I couldn't take Rio anymore.
And I was tired of making a fool of myself to the other writers.
After so many flights, airports, cunning taxi drivers, tanned men,
after so much Klonopin, Effexor, Ibuprofen, Dramamine,
I decided to go back home and follow my dreams.
2 BLOCKS, CAR, 3 BLOCKS, HOME BY DANI TEIXEIRA
Excellent!
It’s got what it takes to be a best seller.
-Is it all true? -All true.
The healer lady, the cushions, the crying boyfriend?
Cool.
Let me tell you something, Dani.
The book industry is very competitive.
You wrote soaps before and this book is great,
but the difference between selling 1,000 copies to friends
and selling tons and becoming a movie or a TV series,
is you.
People want to hear the real stories behind everything.
-That's our marketing. -That's fine, great.
Let's do it.
This means you will have to put yourself out there,
sign books, talk, give interviews.
And what’s the problem?
The problem? I read your book, Dani.
I don’t want to put you in a situation that will cause a panic attack.
I don’t know if you read it carefully, but I was never unprofessional.
That's great.
I’m not a scared little girl, I’m a woman, a professional.
And I promise, whatever I have to do,
I won’t let who I am get in the way of who I have to be.
Okay.
I was living my dream. Everything was perfect.
I was confident, I was relaxed, I was great.
-Are you okay? -She's fine.
She’ll come out in a minute.
-I don’t want any of this. -You don’t have to, baby.
No, no.
-Give me a Klonopin. -We can tell everyone to go,
-go back home and end this. -Give me a Klonopin, mom!
No, that's it. That's enough, baby.
-There are some things we can't do. -I can do it, mom. I can do anything.
Good evening.
Hey, girl!
Congratulations.
Tell them you’re not going.
-You can't do a TV show today. -No, mom. I'm fine.
I get like this sometimes. I’m sad, but I’m fine.
Give me your phone. I’m calling the publisher.
-Are you crazy? -Darling,
do you think this is normal? Look at yourself!
Look at how skinny and beaten up you look.
-Eat this. -Don’t start, mom!
You have to take care of yourself. You're so thin.
I can’t believe you’re doing this to me now.
You have to focus on what’s important.
It’s what I do, mom! It’s what I’ve always done!
Look at this! I've done it!
I've climbed Mt. Everest and planted my flag in the summit!
What else do you want from me?
What I always wanted, for you to be happy.
-It's not. Why don't you support me? -Excuse me?
Instead of shutting me down. Are you jealous?
-Jealous? Of what? -Of me, my life, my job.
-Because I have less time for you. -You’re just nervous.
Why don’t you take me to Mrs. Zulmira?
I’m crazy enough as I am, I don’t need you to make it worse.
And this, this is you. You taught me.
I know, and I’m telling you to stop.
No.
Give it back.
Give it back! Unbelievable.
Dani, honey, I'm just trying to help you.
Then help a little less, that will help.
Are you crazy? How many have you taken?
Okay, fine. One for courage, then that’s it.
Three minutes, Dani… Shit!
You’re going live, Dani. Don’t do that.
There you go. This is for you.
Hello. And now we have an amazing writer,
easy-going, incredibly funny,
and just released her first book '2 Blocks, Car, 3 Blocks, Home',
ladies and gentlemen, Dani Teixeira!
All I could think of was everyone looking at me.
All I’ve been through.
Fuck you, Marlon. Fuck you, Gilberto.
Fuck you, party bimbos. Fuck you, asshole screenwriter.
Fuck you, Dr. Guido! Fuck you, Itaim monk!
and fuck you with that dodgeball!
Everyone wants to know what I have to say.
Everyone wants me.
-Such a pleasure. -Hi, guys.
I’m sorry, Johnny, I’m not used to wearing heels.
I had a boyfriend that said I wasn’t feminine enough because of that.
-No way! -I guess he was right.
You’ll have to excuse me, but that guy was crazy.
-Don't... Stop it. -Of course.
-You’re a stunning woman. Right? -Oh, stop it…
See?
You're making me blush.
What was that yesterday, girl? Did you go crazy?
For fuck's sake, Dani. Is that what you call 'professional'?
You ruined everything.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dani Teixeira!
Dani!
-What's wrong? -There's a cockroach.
-There was a cockroach. -A cockroach?
-I hate cockroaches. -There's no cockroach.
I'm so happy you're here.
-This is so good. -So... let's start...
-So handsome. -It's a pleasure.
Thank you. Before we start, can I send a message?
-What do you mean? -Can I send a message?
-Can I? -Sure, feel free to do it.
Fuck you, Marlon. Fuck you, Dr. Guido.
Fuck you, Fernando. Fuck you, Itaim monk.
-Fuck you, Gilberto! -Okay...
-And fuck you too. -Yeah, fuck everyone, Dani.
-I'm so glad you're here. -I'm fine. Let me go.
-Let's begin... -I’m sorry, Johnny.
-What's up? -I’m not used to wearing heels.
I had a boyfriend that said I wasn’t feminine enough because of that.
-Oh God... -Can I get them off?
-Sure, sure. -I'll be more comfortable.
-Look at the size of these things. -But he was crazy.
-Do you think so? -You’re a stunning woman.
-Oh, stop it… -Right?
-See? -Stop it!
-I'm a big fan of yours. -No, I am yours.
Really, you're so handsome. Thank you.
-So handsome. Thank you. -No, thank you.
-I'm so happy to be here. -I'm happy too.
-I'm so happy... -My God...
MOM: CALL ME, BABY! MARI: GIRL, YOU'RE CRAZY HEHE
JOÃO PUBLISHER: FUCK, DANI! LU: GIRL!
DAD: ARE YOU OKAY, BABY GIRL? PAT: DANI! WHAT WAS THAT?
THERAPIST: DO YOU WANT TO BOOK AN EMERGENCY APPOINTMENT?
-Thank God! -Dr. Guido?
What is he doing here?
Your mom called me, she said you passed out.
She mixed everything, doctor.
She mixed Klonopin, Effexor, Muscle Relaxant, Dramamine...
-Excuse me, mom. -Honey, I'm just explaining.
I'm an adult. I don't need my mom to talk to the doctor for me.
-I'm just explaining it to him. -Get out.
-Baby... -Get out, mom.
-It's okay. -Out!
My mom was overreacting.
It was just my blood pressure.
A vasovagal syncope, right?
It was no vasovagal syncope. Are you mad?
You mixed a lot of drugs. You could have died.
I’m fine.
It was a mistake.
I shouldn’t have taken Dramamine.
Dani, you should really go to rehab.
It happened once.
I've been taking stuff for years and, because of one bad day,
I made a mistake.
I don’t need rehab, I’m fine. I promise I’ll be careful. I’m fine.
Then get some rest. Take a month off.
I’m in the middle of my book launch. I'll do it after.
Do you really want it to be published posthumously?
You're right.
Okay, I promise...
I’ll stop with Dramamine,
and won't mix the muscle relaxant anymore.
Just give me some Klonopin. I can't do it without it.
Please.
Are you okay?
I'll go validate the ticket. Wait here.
MOM: DANI, YOU DISAPPEARED. WHAT HAPPENED?
WHERE DID YOU GO? JUST PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE OKAY.
I don’t want to talk.
HI. I SAW YOU ON TV. I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
No.
No, no, no. I hate you.
No. No!
Asshole. Son of a bitch!
YOU JERK! ASSHO...
No.
YOU JERK! ASSHOLE!
YOU SHOW UP LIKE A GHOST ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE?
OKAY. WHEN?
Who does he think he is, coming to save me
Asshole! I'm going to finish him.
I'll make him swallow that smile.
Thank you, Gilberto, for this opportunity.
Poor thing, I'll kill him. I'll chop him up in pieces.
There will be nothing left.
Hi.
I’m glad you came.
I was scared to death you wouldn't.
'Scared to death'. And you should be.
I'll smash you like the cockroach you are.
And don't even try to charm me because I will never ever...
Screw it.
I can’t finish anymore.
That's fine. Me neither.
-Escitalopram? -Venlafaxine.
Effexor is good. I love it.
But this is so much better.
Nothing’s better than venlafaxine.
Good morning.
What's this?
-Breakfast, Dani. -No.
No, no, no.
-Dani... Okay, okay. -Get out.
-Get out! -Calm down, I'm sorry.
-You have no right to do this! -I know, I was just...
-I don’t know, I was trying. -Get out! Now!
-I was trying to apologize... -Get out of here!
I am trying to apologize!
I’m sorry.
I wanted you to know that I liked you a lot,
-I never stopped liking you. -And that you’ve changed,
that you’re a different person. Don’t give me that bullshit.
No, I haven’t changed.
I'm a crazy, fucked up guy! As fucked up as ever!
Honesty, okay.
For years I’ve wanted to talk to you.
But then you called out to me, so...
Called out to you? I didn't...
You said: ‘Fuck you, Gilberto’ for the whole country to see.
And there's a whole chapter In your book about me.
I realized you haven't forgotten me.
So what? It's just one chapter.
-Pick it up. -No, we’re not really talking.
Don’t do that.
So now you’re going to tell me how to deal with my mom?
I’m sorry, but don't hold grudges.
It’s not worth it.
What happened?
Your dad?
Don’t keep anything to yourself.
I can be the worst person in the world,
but don’t keep anything to yourself.
Mom?
I need to talk to you, mom.
I’m an adult.
Don't look at me, look at your mom.
She's right there.
I need you to understand it.
It’s not that I don’t love you.
I love you a lot.
A lot.
I know you were always by my side,
helping me whenever I needed.
You’re so strong, but
so fragile sometimes, mom.
I feel like I abandon you every time I get on a plane.
Every meeting I go to pulls me away from you.
I love you
and miss you so,
but we're different people. I'm me and you're you.
Do you understand it, mom?
That doesn't make me love you less.
I need you to know it.
I would be with you forever, if I could,
but I can't.
I can't because I have to live my life.
-I'm sorry, mom. -Oh, baby...
-I’m sorry. -It’s okay. It’s okay.
-How can I get better? -You don’t.
We are what we are.
-I can’t be this person. -Of course you can.
I’m very proud of you, Dani.
I love you like a daughter.
I am your daughter.
Jesus...
You're obviously my daughter.
-I am your daughter. -There's no doubt about that.
I decided to quit everything on a Tuesday morning.
I had the worst hangover mixed with emotions and thoughts,
followed by a massive thirst.
And then I started feeling everything, fear, hurt, touch...
It had its advantages.
An orgasm is better than venlafaxine.
Yesterday, I was home and I just started dancing,
that's when I realized that I was really happy.
And that I hadn’t been really happy since I had decided
I wasn't going to be too sad, too anxious or “too” anything.
And quitting being “too” anything meant quitting a lot of things,
so it was good I stopped taking pills.
But I’m not cured.
Gilberto invited me to spend New Year’s Eve on the beach,
and I said yes. Even though I was scared.
-If I need to… -I can take you home.
-What if you get sick? -There’s an Uber on call.
-What if they can’t make it? -There’s a taxi as well.
-And what if it breaks down? -There’s another one.
-What if that one can't either? -Then we're screwed.
Just kidding, I have a number for the tow truck.
I could be back on the pills in ten minutes,
but I'm doing very well.
Actually, I'm not very well,
I’m a little down, to be honest,
but I'm feeling a lot more like myself.
I’m that bag of marbles, wrapped tightly with a string,
which I carry close to my body holding it with both hands.
I can't open it, I can’t loosen it, lose them,
give them away, put in extra ones.
I am those 70 independent marbles,
not one more nor one less.